Home » Connect or Die: The Surprising Power of Human Relationships: Starla Fitch (Transcript)

Connect or Die: The Surprising Power of Human Relationships: Starla Fitch (Transcript)

Sharing is Kindness in Action!


Starla Fitch

Full transcript of ‘connection doctor’ Starla Fitch’s TEDx Talk: Connect or Die: The Surprising Power of Human Relationships at TEDxFargo conference. She is the author of the book: Remedy for Burnout: 7 Prescriptions Doctors Use to Find Meaning in Medicine.


Starla Fitch – Coach. Consultant. Speaker. Surgeon

You may think you have 20/20 vision, or at least you may think you could pass an eye test. But I’m going to challenge you on that today, and say that it’s likely you may not be seeing clearly at all.

I’m an ophthalmologist, and today I want to help you understand how the way you see others may be endangering your life.

You may not actually have a diagnosis of cataract, glaucoma, or macular degeneration, but I guarantee that the way you view others is distorted in the same way. And without clear vision – and I’m not talking 20/20 – it’s impossible to connect with others. We need more than our eyes to truly see.

I want to start by telling you about a friend of mine, Joe. Joe is a scrub tech in my operating room. A scrub tech’s job is to get the instruments ready for surgery and hand the surgeon what they need. Sometimes they’re mind readers, and they hand you things before you even know you need them.

In my hospital, there had been some changes: cutbacks, layoffs. They even took away the coffee pot in the nurses’ station.

Morale spiraled downward. The staff became discouraged, distant, on the edge of burnout. I’d been through burnout myself, so I knew what that was like, and I was looking for a way to help me and my team with burnout and negativity.

I decided to start a gratitude practice in the operating room. I told my team that every day we were going to each name three things we were grateful for.

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At first I got pushed back big time. I would see them in the hallway making fun of me. They would be, “Oh, you’re assigned to Dr Fitch’s room today? Good luck with that. You got your grateful list ready?”

But soon nurses who weren’t even assigned to my room would pop their heads in with their three things. Anesthesiologists would text in their gratitudes from satellite locations. The positive energy was palpable.

One day, Joe came in to give another scrub tech a break. When it was his turn to name the three things he was grateful for, he just shook his head and said he couldn’t do it.

Huh!? At first I let it go. And then I said, “Wait a minute, let’s all just name three things we’re grateful for about Joe.” And we found out Joe is the one who came in and brought the warm blankets for the patients every morning. And Joe was the one that stayed late getting the rooms ready for the next day.

After we’d shared our gratitudes with Joe, I felt like we’d really gotten a glimpse of him. And he gave me this little half nod. I thought he might be smiling under his surgical mask. I couldn’t tell for sure, but his eyes were crinkling like he might be.

The way Joe was seeing things that day is similar to how people see when they have a cataract. When you look at your loved one’s face and you have a cataract, you can see their face completely, but it’s hazy, a bit like a Monet painting.

Actually, it’s exactly like a Monet painting because Monet had cataracts. I’m just saying. And the way Joe was acting that day, it’s like he was surrounded by a gauzy cotton layer, he wasn’t really connecting.

And then there’s my patient Mary. Mary came in with a persistent bump on her eyelid. She thought it was a sty. I knew as soon as I walked in that wasn’t a sty. That bump said “cancer” from across the room.

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I walked in and started talking to Mary. I looked at her eyelid, and I started drawing her a little picture of the surgery I thought she needed. I told her I didn’t like the looks of it, and it could be cancer. I know as soon as I say that word, patients go numb and stop listening.

As I was talking to Mary and answering her questions, I tried to ignore the lights that were flashing out of the corner of my eye.

See, in our office, when another patient has been waiting 10 minutes, lights flash steadily. When that patient’s been waiting 20 minutes, the lights flash twice as fast.

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